It’s happened. You’re getting divorced. You’ve split up. It’s over. He left or you left. Whether you initiated it, or whether he did, it’s a painful process. You might be feeling sad, angry, abandoned, betrayed, relieved, these feelings are all normal. But if you’re feeling really down emotionally with your split, I want to help you get your feelings back up into a much better place. The sooner we can get your feelings back up the sooner you can rebuild your life and move on to your happy you.
Take A Look
If you have a really good support system, then that’s great! Our Mom’s, girlfriends, sisters, doctors, therapists, they can all help us get through this really tough time. I think it’s important, though, to spend some time trying to find yourself. There’s no need to blame yourself, but it’s really helpful to look at what happened and what role we played in the breakup. I’m not saying it was your fault; but after any big life event, it’s a good idea to look at the events through a critical eye.
What happened and why? Let’s take a look at that.
Time To Focus On You
This might not be emotionally satisfying to you, but the reality is, it doesn’t matter who is right and who is wrong. What he did or didn’t do. The only thing you have any control over is YOU. You can’t change his behaviors, you can only change your own. Maybe you feel like you do all the listening and he does all the talking? You always ask how his day went, but he never asks about yours? You are empathetic and reassure him when he is having doubts about himself or his abilities, but who is there for you during your moment of weakness? No one?
Ok. I hear you. It’s time to recalibrate your emotional compass. You will never change his behaviors. Never. You are the only person that you can change. So, let’s focus on you now.
It’s your turn. It’s your turn to talk, to be heard, to be validated, to have someone listen to you vent, just because you need to vent. You don’t need to be fixed. You just want to be heard.
I hear you. So many of us have been there. And there is a way out of the circular argument going on in your head. He did this, and this, and this, and made me feel small and insignificant, and like I’m not good enough, or I’m too much, or I didn’t pay enough attention to him, blah, blah, blah. His list is endless.
Let me tell you girlfriend, you are fine just the way you are. So just breathe.
My #1 Recommendation
Relationships end for a reason. And the sooner you figure out that it isn’t working, the better. No need to waste months, and years, and decades, putting up with small crumbs from someone. You deserve so much more. And it’s your choice.
Once you’ve received your divorce decree, or your relationship is over, it’s time to focus on you and your kids if you have them. That is all that matters. Don’t go back to him, don’t waste your time pining away for him, don’t torment yourself by going through the old photographs.
I know you hurt now. It’s unbelievably painful now. Your heart feels twisted and tied up in knots and shredded. But it will get better. Let’s get on the path to your blissful recovery, right now.
Making New Memories With YOU
You can do this by choosing to change your own thought process. It may sound strange, but you are fully capable of controlling your thoughts and ultimately your own feelings and emotions. It takes some practice and yes, you won’t get it perfect the first time, or even the 10th time. But with patience, practice, and by learning to love yourself, you can build your most beautiful life.
It’s your turn. It’s time to make you your #1 priority, and it’s time to start making new memories with YOU as the star in center stage.
Start thinking about what YOU want. Maybe you’ve never done that before? It might feel odd at first, but it starts feeling really good, really quickly. You’ve gotten the toxic person out of your life, so now you can re-build and re-create your life. Does that sound too overwhelming? You can start with something small. Maybe you’ve always wanted to try a new hairstyle but you never did because he liked your hair long and he didn’t want you to cut it, so you kept it long for him. Or you’ve always wanted to try out some new makeup, but he thought you looked too smutty when you tried on that new red lipstick. Even worse, you bought a new cute top to wear, but he didn’t like it and said it made you look too seductive or too fat, and he didn’t want you to wear it out in public. You know, that cute V-neck leopard print sweater that you absolutely love, but you pushed it to the back of your closet because he didn’t approve of you wearing it?
Well, that’s all about to change. Let’s start small and work our way up.
Action Step For Week #1
Week #1: Get rid of any clothes that don’t fit, or wash out your skin color, or hang like a burlap bag on you. I’m not saying you have to wear skin-tight leather pants or anything like that, but find the pieces that you do like and bring them front and center in your closet. Find the ones where the color really compliments the color of your eyes or your hair. The dumpy clothes, they need to go into a bag and be dropped off at your favorite charity, or if they’re super nice or new with tags still attached to them, take them to a consignment shop and try to get a few bucks for them. There are plenty of people that would love to have your clothes that don’t fit you, but you’re not that person. De-clutter your main closet. You may have to make several passes through it, but be ruthless.
I’ll check back on you next week and see how you did.
If you feel like you need help creating your new life, and you want to be coached through it, please leave a comment below and let me know what you’re struggling with or what you need help with. I use the principles of positive psychology to help you learn how to channel your thoughts to create the life you want and to raise your inner strength and endurance so that you can attract positive outcomes in your life. If this sounds like something you might be interested in, please leave your comments below and let’s chat.
So, in the meantime, start with your closet and we’ll go from there.
You’ve got this.